1 am

I lay in bed staring at the ceiling. Trying to understand everything that's happening. They say life is too short and it's a fact I can't deny. But why do I feel that the world is against me. I went out to the world being hopeful. And I met a few people. People that I've been too vulnerable with. Strangers even, who at night are the closest persons I could ever have and needed at that time. Unprejudice and non-judgmental of my broken past. The kind of people I can talk to so freely with no pretense. For a brief moment, I felt more alive than I ever thought I could. An affinity with a perfect stranger like a fit glove. How could one person feel so important in a matter of minutes? I can spend every hour of my day with someone and still feel empty. And here comes someone who in a matter of a few seconds have a connection with. It felt bizarre but so right. Fate seems to smile down on me. I got closer to you then my mind would go to places. Imagine things to the point of intimacy like being wrapped in a sweet embrace. Is it wrong to think beyond the future? Do I have no right to meet you half way? Maybe it's that feeling where I want to be indispensable to someone else's life. That feeling, where you make me feel that I too mattered. So I push myself in or was it my perfect illusions of having you because like everyone else I need to feel loved and belong. But I was trapped in an illusion, knowing I could never have you for real. More like a delusion because your touch felt almost real. Is it because I crave something badly that I know I could never grasp? Somehow it did and it's foolish. Now, I'm trapped with all these different emotions. It's making confusions within me. Every time I attempt to let go of thoughts of you, I felt a stab of pain. I have those moments where I'm alone and have to cover my mouth so no one can hear me cry at night when what I needed was your tight hug to make things feel better. Instead I rock myself to a lullaby. Though all I can see is a blur, blurred visions of my tears piling up and streaming down my face like waterfalls. It's tragic to wipe my on tears but I couldn't face you like this. I couldn't look you in your beautiful green eyes because I see my reflections in them. Do you feel me? So why is it so hard to let go of someone that wasn't mine in the first place? Why is it so difficult to let go of you? The possibility of us? It’s desperation and I feel pathetic. Will I wake up with an empty space next to me? No more sweet touches on your chiseled face, soft kisses on your cheeks or shared breakfast. Sometimes I torture myself of things that aren't even happening. Maybe I shouldn't fight this and let things happen. But I knew, I knew deep down we will eventually drift away. Due to the fact that your heart wasn't in the right place. I held on anyway, because loving you was the only way I know how but loving you more was hurting me even more. I'm loving you to feel a little bit of reality before I become fully sober. My stream of thoughts are haunting me and this is how I end my day. I lay here hoping as I cry myself to sleep that I'll love you a little less each night until our memories disappear. Weltschmerz.