My Apology

I thought I was doing great. I thought I have moved on. Hearing this one word coming from you made you seem brave to admit your mistakes and humble enough to ask for my forgiveness. Somehow it felt foreign, a word I seldom hear from anyone. I had brushed that word with insincerity in mind. I could not imagine any truth in them after all the lies I have succumbed over the years.

A few hours later I have come to realize that specific word had indented my heart. It was an apology I never expected to receive. I ponder on the question of why? Why am I getting an apology I didn’t ask for? Looking back on possible reasons. It hit hard when tears suddenly fell on it’s own. My mind may have forgotten but my heart didn’t. My heart remembers the pain, struggle, and hurt it has endured to survive. It reminded me why I was broken.

Should I  feel sorry for myself or should I feel more sorry for you? If I knew then what I know now, would things end up differently? If I only knew, I would have never given up on you. I fought then and realize at that time that letting you go was the best option. I have prayed for your happiness and it hurts me to see you hurting and dying inside like this. It’s ironic but it’s slowly killing me too. I’ve given up my chance to see you happy and it’s sad knowing that the person I’ve valued had gone in despair. Sometimes I wish I fought harder.

I lost that chance the moment I gave up. How could I not give up? I knew you were happy. I saw it with my own eyes admitting contentment and I was assured. It’s been awhile back but I knew my place. You made sure of that. I was in no position to object or argue on your life for I have no part in it. It was a decision you made and furthermore it is your life.

Time had pass when we severed our ties. I never dared to keep in touch because I definitely know I’ll burn again. It was a risk I could not bear to imagine. Inevitably thou, it did happen. I couldn’t resist a wounded soul because I personally know how devastating it felt. Finally, you have come to experience the torment that life has bestowed on you. I do not wish you ill for I have prayed for you and your happiness in the silence of my heart over our distance, of being apart. In your state of agony and recovery, I shall not take part for I have no roles to play in your story. I am merely a passersby. So forgive me for in your darkest phase in life, I’ll no longer be seen nor in touch. I wish I could help you and get you through your healing process but you have to understand that I’ve been thrown away and you mustn’t reach anymore. You’ll remember your faults in me and I cannot gamble my heart. I wouldn’t risk anymore chances of a broken heart. It’s a gamble I could not lose twice. I’m sorry but I’m completely letting go. I’m sorry I left you alone when you needed someone the most. I’m sorry but I could not heal you. I’m sorry.