Every year on this day the sky manages to mourn with me. It is as though Heaven heard me crying, so it decided to cry too. The 4th of October had been and will always be a pivotal date for me. It's marked in all my calendar years and still counting.
When people talk, it felt like a natural phenomenon. It is one of those inevitable life courses that one has to face but why so soon? I remember every detail of the horrid night like it happened yesterday. I thought I'm strong enough to converse with people about what happened. Most people do not understand how tormenting it is to relive the moment over and over because I was there. I was there to witness everything that took place on that faithful night. I'm not sure if people were concerned to know what happened or whether they're curious to ask.
I remember this day so vividly. You always remember your first and me? I remember my first actual CPR (Cardio-Pulmonary Resuscitation). It was those chants of basic life support of push down and hard. Those ABC's of CPR. I recalled those maneuvers from a few days, eight years ago. This is the exact day I failed as a daughter. I couldn't save the life of the first man I've ever loved. I couldn't save my Dad. My first CPR was my Dad and it breaks my heart that I couldn't save the life of the person who mattered most. His was the epitome of perfection and I've looked up to him since I was little. He was my super Hero, invisible. Despite for thriving for perfection I failed and I failed as his daughter. Every time I think of him, I remember the nightmare. I keep recounting possible ways of saving him. What could I have done to save him? Where did I went wrong? Haven't I seen the signs of distress? It literally broke me. It made me feel vulnerable and weak. I didn't just lose my Dad, I lost my Hero, my Foundation, my Confidant. I lost a man who loved me unconditionally. I lost a man who protected me. I lost a man who believed in me even if I couldn't believe in myself.
I used to tell the well wishers that Daddy was sleeping because I couldn't fathom the reality that he was gone. Sometimes I see him in my dreams. He came to visit me at my stage of confusion and desperation. He gives me signs on what to do. I had this vision that he was faking his death, crazy isn't it? What's even worst was that I actually believed he was still alive and plotted to fake his death but reality hits hard and deep. It is those days where you miss his presence that hurts more. When you come home from school and he wasn't there playing solitaire. When he wasn't seated at the head of the table every meal time or woke up to the sound of the Beatles, Kenny Rogers, ABBA or Queens. How you'd go on out of town trips or dining out for lunch at our favorite restaurants as kids. Or how he would spoil us with our basic necessities on foods, clothing, and books even if he has that thrifty nature. He would also surprise me with free phone loads, visits at school, check on me at the hospital where he works and endless snack times. I miss hugging, kissing, and telling him I love him countless times in a single day everyday even in my teen years. Yes, teens!
It's exactly eight years since I lost him. The pain subsides and intensifies. It will never go away. I thought I was doing well over the pass few years. It's been awhile and I seldom talk about it. On most part, I deliberately avoid conversations like this. It even hits me hard when watching films with a touch of fatherhood. It is my ultimate weakness
When I grow up I wanted to be just like him, that's my favorite line during grade school. That was a dream I'll never get to achieve now. The lost of my Father, is a life changing event. It changed everything. It changed me and everything around me. I'm lucky to have had him. I wasn't prepared to let him go when he was taken from me. I'm holding on to precious memories of us. For one more day, I wish I could be with him. Just a day. It's harder to let go of someone who you had fond and happy memories with, wishing you could go back in time to the good old days. I wasn't ready to let him go and I wasn't ready to let go of our good memories. Eventually, I'll be fine. Just let me hold on to the memories a little longer. I'll always love you Daddy. I always be your little girl. Send my kisses to Heaven :*
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